It Must Be Working - I Haven't Killed Myself or Anyone Else, in Three Years!

Okay, I have been diagnosed as Bi-Polar since I was 21, that's over half my life now. I have been on an assorted rainbow of antidepressants, anti-anxiety and or sleep aides. Since, June of 2008 - Effexor XR, has been the numero uno of my daily line-up. We started out low, and we've ended up passing the highest recommended dosage and had to get approved to go over that to a nice round 375 mgs.

Yes, it would have been easier to have gotten a new kidney - in a foreign country, in which - I did not speak the language and there was no running water. I was expected to recite the list of medications I have taken over the last, nearly 20 years - how long I took them, why I stopped and what dosage I took. And, the kicker of course, who was the doctor I saw that prescribed those particular meds! Really? C'mon! Who's the mentally ill person here? Somehow, I managed to come up with something that satisfied them - after, nearly two weeks of going back and forth, and doing without my medications. That was in 2009 - when I moved, from Atlanta and changed insurance companies.

Fast forward, to August of 2011 and here I am - having moved again, to another state and another insurance company. So, same song & dance but, this time this old girl has learned a new trick - after the third phone call from the pharmacy, and the fifth from the doctor's office - I came up with the winning phrase! I told the nurse - look the higher dose must be working - I haven't tried to kill myself, or anyone else since 2008 - when they upped my dosage. At first, she was quite, then she started laughing - knowing me, she thought I was kidding. I assured her, I was quite serious.

I told her in May of 2008, my son graduated high school & for the months leading up to that wonderful event - my mantra was "God, please just let me get through graduation" - I must have repeated that thousands of times. Within two hours of everyone leaving my home after all the celebratory hugs and kisses - I was literally lying in the floor, beating my head on our brand new hard word floors, praying that God would strike me dead. I felt like my mind was being torn apart - and, I did not want to go on living the way I felt and, told my husband he better take me to the hospital or I was taking myself out of the game.

Most people, know little to nothing about Bi-Polar (Manic-depression) disease, and just write people who have it - off as crazy. Well, I'm not crazy! I just have a disease that is treatable, if and when we find the right combination of drugs and the dang insurance companies will pay for said drugs. I feel no shame, I did not ask for this disease - no more than I asked to have rheumatoid arthiritis. Most of the time, I appear and act "normal", if I take my meds regularly and take care of myself.

Some people, who are Bi-Polar, like the Manic part and don't want to take meds - it's like being on speed. You get alot of stuff done, like cleaning your house, you can be successful in your job, and exercise alot. That is until you crash, and when that happens (at least, for me) I crash HARD and, sometimes won't leave my bedroom except to go to the bathroom or to eat, if I eat. I missed out, on alot of my son's life - it's hard to participate from your bedroom. He did love to read and learn so, we spent a lot of time with him bringing books home and videos - that we shared, and enjoyed together.

Also, this disease is not content with just hurting you - it's genetic, and it likes to keep on giving to your family members. My son is now 21, and he has attempted suicide once - he likes the manic feelings, even acerbates them by chugging those energy drinks. But, when he crashes - almost on a daily basis, he doesn't realize what a toll it is taking on his body. He also, likes to self medicate, he has ADD (Attention Deficite Disorder) so, he smokes marijuana to level himself out. He won't even discuss his illness with me.

I had two half brothers, the oldest killed himself at 23 and the younger one, at 40. My father was an alcoholic, and they say he died from sinus cancer (which I was told is very rare) I think he poisoned himself to death - he was diagnosed Manic Depressive at age 19, and self medicated with alcohol - all his life.

This probably seems like a sad topic, but I needed to write about what I know - and I know, if you don't get treatment for Bi-Polar disease - you, or someone close to you will die. Maybe, not today but, it is an unpredictable disease and left untreated - it can even warp into something more serious. In the recent years, they have began diagnosing children at younger and younger, ages with this disease. Don't be afraid to ask for help, for you or a family member. Don't be so scared of side effects, that you're not willing to try something - it took a few different kinds before we found what worked for me.

I'm still here - I'm a Survivor - I've lost my two brothers and my father to this disease and everyday, when the phone rings I wonder, no I dread that it may be the call telling me it has taken my only child, my son - the love, of my life.

To end on a positive note - I got my meds approved, the nurse said when she told them that I had not wanted to kill myself or anyone else in 3 years - they thought that was a GREAT reason, to continue to supply me with what I needed! I have found I have to laugh at life's crazy situations, I can't continue to cry - laughing is sooooo much better (-: